I can’t believe how much I have changed in the past 4 months. Getting to know myself in this whole new role as a mother isn’t something that anyone ever discussed. Maybe I’m alone in this but people always say “a baby changes your life.” Duh. But no one tells you that you become a totally different person. It has been a big part of the whole postpartum recovery/discovery process that NO ONE tells you about. (More on that in another post)I have now been back to work (part time) since the first week of December after having 8 glorious weeks home with my little one. Before having a child I always said “I could never be a stay at home mom. I would go crazy. I NEED to work.” Um… this new me… gets to eat her words again.
I could very easily stay at home with Parker, and love every minute of it. I threw such a fit and was a nervous wreck before going back to work. I wanted to pack up and runaway to avoid the inevitable. I couldn’t imagine missing anything in his life, and just the thought of it broke my heart. Despite my tantrums and avoidance I packed us both up that morning and headed to daycare. When I had to walk out that door, leaving him for the first time, it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Mommy guilt started screaming immediately “Your abandoning your child! Your a terrible mother! He is going to hate you for leaving him! He wont understand why your not there to comfort him!” I even told my boss that had he been crying instead of sleeping I probably would have never made it to work that day.
The thing is… I love my job. I enjoy what I do and who I work with. And once I’m at The Office, I’m fine. But then the mommy guilt sets in again. It will all of a sudden hit me like a ton of bricks “Oh my God I haven’t thought about Parker in like 3 hours! I’m such a bad mom! How could I stop thinking about my child for one minute? They are going to take away my parenting license!” But the truth is, if I wasn’t able to push my wondering and worries out of my head, I wouldn’t be able to do my job. I would eff up all day long. And lets be honest, that is not very conducive for keeping a job. So I live with the mommy guilt of not letting Parker be the center of my world all of the time because that isn’t good either. Not for me, The Hubby or our wallets because of the expensive therapy that we would have to put Parker into for many, many years to reverse the damage I would have caused.
I wish I could say that it has gotten easier. Even just a little. Nope. It still sucks, every time. And the evil bee-a-tch that goes by the name of Mommy Guilt screams in my head the whole drive there.