AWOL

I know I’ve been AWOL for quite a while now but I’m happy to be back. I had reached a point where all I was writing about was my weight which isn’t really something that keeps me or you wanting to come back. I was sick of writing about it, thinking about it and failing so publicly each week. Then several things happened all at once & left me needing to focus on my little family for a bit. I basically just got overwhelmed.

First, my brother who is currently in federal prison (another story) lost his communication privileges for being a dumbass. I would e-mail my blog posts to him as we were both really working on getting in shape. Sometimes it felt like he was the only person who looked forward to reading them & didn’t think  this whole thing was dumb. So when I couldn’t send them anymore, I just thought, “why keep doing it?”

Second, my sister was in the mist of moving 4 hours away. Something that I’m still struggling with. I miss her. I miss my nieces. We have a large age gap (7 years) & spent most of our lives completely separate from each other. It wasn’t until she had her 3rd baby girl & I got engaged that our relationship became exactly that, a real relationship. Her leaving still leaves me feeling abandoned. I know she had to go, but it doesn’t make me like it.

Third & worst of all my Grandfather passed & in turn my mother had a complete & total mental/emotional meltdown. It was time for Grandpa to go, he had suffered long enough, but the way the following days played out I still have a lot of anger over.

Basically my family seemed to fall apart all at once. Bless my husband for keeping me sane during everything.

One thing to understand is that I deal with death like I deal with dog puke. I cover it up, pretend it didn’t happen & let someone else deal with it later. (No, I would not do that with an actually body, it’s the emotional crap I’m referring to. Some deal with it badly, I just don’t deal with it at all.) The opposite happened when my Grandpa died.

I was put into the position where I had to deal with everything. Everything from the flowers, to his suit, to the casket and the service. This should not have been my job. I should not have been put in that position. It was completely unfair that no one else stepped up considering that he had 3 children all in the area. My Grandmother gets a pass. She was there but was unable to make any decisions due to her depleted mental capacity.

A couple of days after everything was over, I tried to write a goodbye to my Grandpa. I couldn’t get the words out. It is still in my draft folder and every time I would pick up to write, anything, seeing it put up a block. I needed time to deal with everything to find my inspiration and desire to write again. I think I’m there.

So because I am still at a loss for words on how to truly say goodbye to my Grandpa I will just share with you the poem I chose for the memorial card. It was the only one to make me cry.

God saw he was getting tired
And a cure was not to be;
So He put His arms around him
And whispered, “Come with me.”

With tear-filled eyes we watched
Him suffer and slowly fade away.
Although we loved him dearly,
We could not make him stay.

His gentle heart stopped beating,
Hard-working hands now rest;
God broke our hearts to prove to us,
He only takes the best.

-Unknown

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