We have had the plague.

Kinda. But not really. Though it has been nothing but sickies here. This icky high fever chest cold crap which seems to be ridiculously contagious. Mine is still lingering after a week. Parker is on day 5 and is down to the cough, and poor Charlotte is still rocking the high fever and slight cough on day 4.

Being sick sucks. Still having to be a Mommy while sick sucks. Being Mommy, while sick, with sick kids, really sucks. But we seem to be coming out on the other side of this crud and now I have the overwhelming desire to Lysol the whole house. So obviously I’m feeling better.

The thing I’m really struggling with is that my milk supply has taken a huge hit. A hit that I don’t know if it’s going to recover from. Honestly, I don’t know if I have the energy or desire to fight with my body over it. It is because of shitty luck and timing I ended up getting sick at the same as I got my period. (Dude, if that was TMI for you what the hell are you doing on my blog? I was talking a whole hell of a lot about my cervix about this time last year) Anyway, it’s normal for your supply to dip during your cycle and also when you get sick. It just is really shitty that it happened at the same time.

I’ve been exclusively pumping since Charlotte was about 6 months old, and she will be 10 months in 4 days. This is not how I thought breastfeeding was going to go for us. I hate pumping. Like, I really, Really, REALLY hate pumping. There are times it can actually make my skin crawl. I want nothing more than to be done but I had so desperately wanted to make it to her 1st birthday that I’m having a hard time with what feels like giving up.

I had developed a system, and it was working great. My body was responding well and I was fully meeting demand and was still getting some milk in the freezer most weeks too. My morning pump would consist of about 12-14 oz and then each pump for the rest of the day would yield about 3.5-5 oz depending on the time of day and length of time between pumps.

Now?

My morning pump is 6-8 oz. and I’m getting 2-3 oz per session the rest of the day (combined totals) So my supply is at about half of what it once was. Thankfully I still have a bit of a stash in the freezer but it’s only (was) about 350 oz, and that will go fast.

It’s only been a few days with me feeling a bit better and I’m still not 100%, but this might be the end. I’m trying to decide of I’m hoping this is the end. I kinda feel like this timing would be an easy excuse for me to end it because I know I’m ready to be done, but admitting defeat is really hard for me. Using what feels like an excuse is hard for me. It feels really selfish and I’m really fighting myself about it. I hate pumping. I loved breastfeeding Parker and Charlotte for those few short months that it was going well for us, but this isn’t what I signed up for. I wanted to breastfeed. Exclusively pumping was the last thing I though I was going to have to do this time around since I was staying home and would be able to breastfeed on demand. Like always though, shit didn’t happen like I planned.

Since Charlotte isn’t even nursing, I don’t have the guilt of taking away something she loves and provides her comfort. Which, in turn seems to have taken away the fight and determination that I had before to make this work. And frankly, you have to be determined to breastfeed if you are going to succeed at it, but I have lost that. I’m counting the days until “I can be done”. I’m sick of living like that, but I’m fighting the guilt of quitting. Also? I’m honestly just really cheap. Formula is expensive. I HATE paying for something that I can make for free! It’s so hard for me that I’m fully¬†anticipating a small tantrum in Target if formula is purchased.

I. don’t. know. what. to. do.

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