We have had the plague.

Kinda. But not really. Though it has been nothing but sickies here. This icky high fever chest cold crap which seems to be ridiculously contagious. Mine is still lingering after a week. Parker is on day 5 and is down to the cough, and poor Charlotte is still rocking the high fever and slight cough on day 4.

Being sick sucks. Still having to be a Mommy while sick sucks. Being Mommy, while sick, with sick kids, really sucks. But we seem to be coming out on the other side of this crud and now I have the overwhelming desire to Lysol the whole house. So obviously I’m feeling better.

The thing I’m really struggling with is that my milk supply has taken a huge hit. A hit that I don’t know if it’s going to recover from. Honestly, I don’t know if I have the energy or desire to fight with my body over it. It is because of shitty luck and timing I ended up getting sick at the same as I got my period. (Dude, if that was TMI for you what the hell are you doing on my blog? I was talking a whole hell of a lot about my cervix about this time last year) Anyway, it’s normal for your supply to dip during your cycle and also when you get sick. It just is really shitty that it happened at the same time.

I’ve been exclusively pumping since Charlotte was about 6 months old, and she will be 10 months in 4 days. This is not how I thought breastfeeding was going to go for us. I hate pumping. Like, I really, Really, REALLY hate pumping. There are times it can actually make my skin crawl. I want nothing more than to be done but I had so desperately wanted to make it to her 1st birthday that I’m having a hard time with what feels like giving up.

I had developed a system, and it was working great. My body was responding well and I was fully meeting demand and was still getting some milk in the freezer most weeks too. My morning pump would consist of about 12-14 oz and then each pump for the rest of the day would yield about 3.5-5 oz depending on the time of day and length of time between pumps.

Now?

My morning pump is 6-8 oz. and I’m getting 2-3 oz per session the rest of the day (combined totals) So my supply is at about half of what it once was. Thankfully I still have a bit of a stash in the freezer but it’s only (was) about 350 oz, and that will go fast.

It’s only been a few days with me feeling a bit better and I’m still not 100%, but this might be the end. I’m trying to decide of I’m hoping this is the end. I kinda feel like this timing would be an easy excuse for me to end it because I know I’m ready to be done, but admitting defeat is really hard for me. Using what feels like an excuse is hard for me. It feels really selfish and I’m really fighting myself about it. I hate pumping. I loved breastfeeding Parker and Charlotte for those few short months that it was going well for us, but this isn’t what I signed up for. I wanted to breastfeed. Exclusively pumping was the last thing I though I was going to have to do this time around since I was staying home and would be able to breastfeed on demand. Like always though, shit didn’t happen like I planned.

Since Charlotte isn’t even nursing, I don’t have the guilt of taking away something she loves and provides her comfort. Which, in turn seems to have taken away the fight and determination that I had before to make this work. And frankly, you have to be determined to breastfeed if you are going to succeed at it, but I have lost that. I’m counting the days until “I can be done”. I’m sick of living like that, but I’m fighting the guilt of quitting. Also? I’m honestly just really cheap. Formula is expensive. I HATE paying for something that I can make for free! It’s so hard for me that I’m fully anticipating a small tantrum in Target if formula is purchased.

I. don’t. know. what. to. do.

I’m Still here!

Yes. I’m still alive and we are all doing well. I kind of abandoned blogging for a few months if anyone noticed. I seemed to have either had nothing to say or too much to say and really didn’t know where to start. I’m still in that place honestly and have been going back and forth on deleting the blog, or keep writing. I’m still not sure. I love it, but I get kinda wrapped up in it and then feel guilty for not writing. So, I’m going with I’m still not sure, which I seem to be ok with and I’m not going to force anything.

As for me and the family these past few months? All is well. The kids are doing great. Charlotte is 9 months old, (holy shit!) and is cruising around the furniture and likes to just stand around and clap which is for some reason the cutest thing on the planet to me. She hasn’t taken any steps yet but we keep thinking any day. She is getting some hair finally, but it is only in the back so she is rocking a pretty awesome baby mullet if I do say so myself.

Parker is 3. Which apparently means he has entered the “asshole” stage of his childhood. Don’t get me wrong, I love him to the end of the world. He is smart, funny, creative, his imagination just blows my mind. He can be sweet, caring, sensitive, and loving but for the love of God, he spends most of his day being an asshole. I’m told that is just what 3 year olds do. ::sigh::

On an awesome note! He is doing great with potty training. At least pooping. That is a constant, every time in the toilet thing. Peeing is a “when its convenient for him” type of thing. Some days are better than others, but honestly pee doesn’t really bother me. I do a lot of laundry anyway, and I know he’ll stop when he cares enough too.

As for me, I’ve been scrapping up a storm, trying to get caught up, something I don’t think will ever happen. But I’ve been doing a lot of back scrapping, working on our 2010-11 book, which is almost done, Charlotte’s baby book, and bit on the 2012 book. I’ve been taking the last of Jessica Sprague’s Digital Scrapbooking class, Digi in Deeper and I absolutely LOVE it. She is so amazing there are no words to properly describe how awesome she is with what she does. (Note: Jessica Sprague has no idea who I am or that I’m in love with her work)

I have also been reading a ton. I figured out my local library has ebooks and oh goodness, did that open up a whole new world for me. I read 15 books in 4 months (and 5 so far this month) which I don’t think I’ve ever done. So really between those two things all of my (very limited) free time has been taken up. That was the time that would have normally been using for blogging. So…ya.

Also? I haven’t given up on my weight loss either. I kinda put it on the back burner through the holidays because really, who wanted to read about me bitching over how many damn cookies I ate after I made them. That’s what I thought. I have managed to maintain for the most part though, which really was my goal for during the holidays. I’ve started back doing C25K, and really realizing that I love running, which is still such a shocking thing for me.

I’m not really focusing on losing too much weight in the next few months as I’m now exclusively pumping, and have been for several months. Charlotte went through a nursing strike that we never recovered from, so pumping it is. I want to make it to 1 year and as we are in the home stretch here, I’m just trying to maintain my supply which is unfortunately harder to do when one is pumping exclusively, and cutting calories has the tendency to cut supply with me. I’m making enough to meet demand with the occasional bottle to freeze, but it is a fine line.

That’s pretty much the highlights of the past few months minus the holiday drama and I’ve got lots of photos and layouts to post in the coming weeks.  🙂

Hope all is well with everyone in interwebs land!

That’s what boobies are for.

Why all of this breastfeeding controversy? Why is everyone getting their panties in a freaking bunch. Has everyone forgotten one small FACT. BREASTFEEDING IS WHAT BREASTS ARE FOR. Period. End of conversation.

I don’t care if you use them for their intended purpose or not. This is not about formula vs. breast milk. This is about the fact that when every girl hit puberty, she develops breasts to feed her future offspring. They are not there for sexual purposes, or to make her shirts fit better, or to balance out he size of her ass. Although these are awesome added bonuses, it is not why women have them. Our bodies grow boobs to feed our babies.

My husband and I joke that my boobs are currently on loan to our daughter. He is extremely supportive though I’m not sure that I would have stuck with it with our son with out him.

Our society is what has changed our views on breastfeeding to think that it is gross, or unnatural. The thought that it is inappropriate for young children to see a baby eating, that is what they are doing, EATING, is completely ludicrous.

Do I want to see, another women’s boob, not really. It isn’t my thing. Is it going to ruin my day if I do, absolutely not. I wont even give it another thought.

For those that say, a women breastfeeding a child is “exposing their children to inappropriate sights”, I say this. I have had many children with ages ranging from 2 to about 8 or 9 who at that time, had never seen an infant nursing ask me questions. They go a little like this.

Child: What are you doing?

Me: Feeding my baby.

Child: From your boob?

Me: Yep, that is what they are for.

Child: Oh, Okay. (Child continues doing whatever it was they were doing)

Now can you please tell me how this conversation is in any way inappropriate or is going to scar your child for life? Please, enlighten me.

For those that say, “use a cover” . I say this. Some babies will NOT eat while covered. My daughter, who is currently 5 months old, will not latch when she is covered. She will simply fling her head back, and kick and scream at my boob while pulling at the cover until I remove it. So please, explain to me how attempting to use a cover is going to prevent people from seeing my nipple? And really, it is “the nipple” that everyone is getting up in arms about because once my daughter is latched you only see the same amount of skin that you would see if I was wearing a tank top.

Again, it is ridiculous that people are freaking out about a nipple. EVERYONE HAS THEM. Some people even have extra ones. It is perfectly acceptable for a man to walk around with out his shirt on, even if they have keg and man boobs instead of a 6 pack and pecks. People are not shielding their children’s eyes to that. And if you have been around a naked toddler, they love to play with them! They know they have them. What the hell is the big deal?

Breastfeeding shouldn’t be a controversy. And no women should feel shamed for doing what their body was created to do.

Women have boobs to feed their babies. Period.

 

::vent over::