We have had the plague.

Kinda. But not really. Though it has been nothing but sickies here. This icky high fever chest cold crap which seems to be ridiculously contagious. Mine is still lingering after a week. Parker is on day 5 and is down to the cough, and poor Charlotte is still rocking the high fever and slight cough on day 4.

Being sick sucks. Still having to be a Mommy while sick sucks. Being Mommy, while sick, with sick kids, really sucks. But we seem to be coming out on the other side of this crud and now I have the overwhelming desire to Lysol the whole house. So obviously I’m feeling better.

The thing I’m really struggling with is that my milk supply has taken a huge hit. A hit that I don’t know if it’s going to recover from. Honestly, I don’t know if I have the energy or desire to fight with my body over it. It is because of shitty luck and timing I ended up getting sick at the same as I got my period. (Dude, if that was TMI for you what the hell are you doing on my blog? I was talking a whole hell of a lot about my cervix about this time last year) Anyway, it’s normal for your supply to dip during your cycle and also when you get sick. It just is really shitty that it happened at the same time.

I’ve been exclusively pumping since Charlotte was about 6 months old, and she will be 10 months in 4 days. This is not how I thought breastfeeding was going to go for us. I hate pumping. Like, I really, Really, REALLY hate pumping. There are times it can actually make my skin crawl. I want nothing more than to be done but I had so desperately wanted to make it to her 1st birthday that I’m having a hard time with what feels like giving up.

I had developed a system, and it was working great. My body was responding well and I was fully meeting demand and was still getting some milk in the freezer most weeks too. My morning pump would consist of about 12-14 oz and then each pump for the rest of the day would yield about 3.5-5 oz depending on the time of day and length of time between pumps.

Now?

My morning pump is 6-8 oz. and I’m getting 2-3 oz per session the rest of the day (combined totals) So my supply is at about half of what it once was. Thankfully I still have a bit of a stash in the freezer but it’s only (was) about 350 oz, and that will go fast.

It’s only been a few days with me feeling a bit better and I’m still not 100%, but this might be the end. I’m trying to decide of I’m hoping this is the end. I kinda feel like this timing would be an easy excuse for me to end it because I know I’m ready to be done, but admitting defeat is really hard for me. Using what feels like an excuse is hard for me. It feels really selfish and I’m really fighting myself about it. I hate pumping. I loved breastfeeding Parker and Charlotte for those few short months that it was going well for us, but this isn’t what I signed up for. I wanted to breastfeed. Exclusively pumping was the last thing I though I was going to have to do this time around since I was staying home and would be able to breastfeed on demand. Like always though, shit didn’t happen like I planned.

Since Charlotte isn’t even nursing, I don’t have the guilt of taking away something she loves and provides her comfort. Which, in turn seems to have taken away the fight and determination that I had before to make this work. And frankly, you have to be determined to breastfeed if you are going to succeed at it, but I have lost that. I’m counting the days until “I can be done”. I’m sick of living like that, but I’m fighting the guilt of quitting. Also? I’m honestly just really cheap. Formula is expensive. I HATE paying for something that I can make for free! It’s so hard for me that I’m fully anticipating a small tantrum in Target if formula is purchased.

I. don’t. know. what. to. do.

I’m Still here!

Yes. I’m still alive and we are all doing well. I kind of abandoned blogging for a few months if anyone noticed. I seemed to have either had nothing to say or too much to say and really didn’t know where to start. I’m still in that place honestly and have been going back and forth on deleting the blog, or keep writing. I’m still not sure. I love it, but I get kinda wrapped up in it and then feel guilty for not writing. So, I’m going with I’m still not sure, which I seem to be ok with and I’m not going to force anything.

As for me and the family these past few months? All is well. The kids are doing great. Charlotte is 9 months old, (holy shit!) and is cruising around the furniture and likes to just stand around and clap which is for some reason the cutest thing on the planet to me. She hasn’t taken any steps yet but we keep thinking any day. She is getting some hair finally, but it is only in the back so she is rocking a pretty awesome baby mullet if I do say so myself.

Parker is 3. Which apparently means he has entered the “asshole” stage of his childhood. Don’t get me wrong, I love him to the end of the world. He is smart, funny, creative, his imagination just blows my mind. He can be sweet, caring, sensitive, and loving but for the love of God, he spends most of his day being an asshole. I’m told that is just what 3 year olds do. ::sigh::

On an awesome note! He is doing great with potty training. At least pooping. That is a constant, every time in the toilet thing. Peeing is a “when its convenient for him” type of thing. Some days are better than others, but honestly pee doesn’t really bother me. I do a lot of laundry anyway, and I know he’ll stop when he cares enough too.

As for me, I’ve been scrapping up a storm, trying to get caught up, something I don’t think will ever happen. But I’ve been doing a lot of back scrapping, working on our 2010-11 book, which is almost done, Charlotte’s baby book, and bit on the 2012 book. I’ve been taking the last of Jessica Sprague’s Digital Scrapbooking class, Digi in Deeper and I absolutely LOVE it. She is so amazing there are no words to properly describe how awesome she is with what she does. (Note: Jessica Sprague has no idea who I am or that I’m in love with her work)

I have also been reading a ton. I figured out my local library has ebooks and oh goodness, did that open up a whole new world for me. I read 15 books in 4 months (and 5 so far this month) which I don’t think I’ve ever done. So really between those two things all of my (very limited) free time has been taken up. That was the time that would have normally been using for blogging. So…ya.

Also? I haven’t given up on my weight loss either. I kinda put it on the back burner through the holidays because really, who wanted to read about me bitching over how many damn cookies I ate after I made them. That’s what I thought. I have managed to maintain for the most part though, which really was my goal for during the holidays. I’ve started back doing C25K, and really realizing that I love running, which is still such a shocking thing for me.

I’m not really focusing on losing too much weight in the next few months as I’m now exclusively pumping, and have been for several months. Charlotte went through a nursing strike that we never recovered from, so pumping it is. I want to make it to 1 year and as we are in the home stretch here, I’m just trying to maintain my supply which is unfortunately harder to do when one is pumping exclusively, and cutting calories has the tendency to cut supply with me. I’m making enough to meet demand with the occasional bottle to freeze, but it is a fine line.

That’s pretty much the highlights of the past few months minus the holiday drama and I’ve got lots of photos and layouts to post in the coming weeks.  🙂

Hope all is well with everyone in interwebs land!

& then I cut off all my hair.

Okay, so maybe not all of it. But a lot for sure.

I have this pattern that I seem to follow in regards to cutting my hair. I couldn’t tell you why, it is just something that I have always done. I will let it grow until it is somewhere between my mid back and my ass, then I’ll spend a few weeks complaining about how much hair that I have and I’m sick of it until I wake up one morning ready to cut it all off. That day. My hair grows uber fast so I’m lucky in that regard, but I only cut my hair about once or twice a year.

It was a couple of weeks ago that I had finally reached that point where I needed to cut it. Maintaining it becomes so much work. It is difficult to sleep with it wrapping around my neck. It is so heavy, that I start to get headaches. Now I know that the “Katness braid” is really in style right now, but when that is the only thing you can do with your hair, it gets old. I have fine hair but I have A LOT of it. Since it is so thick, if it wasn’t down it wouldn’t dry. Which starts to irritate my scalp. Again, I don’t know why I let myself go so long.

This last time I was kinda trying to get it long enough to donate it as i have done in the past but because of my layers and that I wanted to still be able to put it in a ponytail, we weren’t able to get a single cut. After all said and done it was between 9-11 inches that was taken off. It is an extremely freeing feeling I will admit. I just love it. It is such a nice change. I was nervous before getting there but I did surprise myself at how “un-attached” I really was to the length of my hair. I was all “woo hoo!” and not “Oh, I hope I don’t regret this in the morning!”

Picture time! Now, I will say that I’m not much of a self-picture kind of person. I feel dumb the entire time. The whole “picture in the bathroom mirror” is just not my thing, but I wanted some kind of record so a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.

My inspiration. (NOT ME-but all found on pinterest)

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My before.

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My after, with a bit of curl.

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straight. (please ignore my bitch face, I was actually concentrating which I guess look one in the same)

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a (tiny) ponytail!

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