We have had the plague.

Kinda. But not really. Though it has been nothing but sickies here. This icky high fever chest cold crap which seems to be ridiculously contagious. Mine is still lingering after a week. Parker is on day 5 and is down to the cough, and poor Charlotte is still rocking the high fever and slight cough on day 4.

Being sick sucks. Still having to be a Mommy while sick sucks. Being Mommy, while sick, with sick kids, really sucks. But we seem to be coming out on the other side of this crud and now I have the overwhelming desire to Lysol the whole house. So obviously I’m feeling better.

The thing I’m really struggling with is that my milk supply has taken a huge hit. A hit that I don’t know if it’s going to recover from. Honestly, I don’t know if I have the energy or desire to fight with my body over it. It is because of shitty luck and timing I ended up getting sick at the same as I got my period. (Dude, if that was TMI for you what the hell are you doing on my blog? I was talking a whole hell of a lot about my cervix about this time last year) Anyway, it’s normal for your supply to dip during your cycle and also when you get sick. It just is really shitty that it happened at the same time.

I’ve been exclusively pumping since Charlotte was about 6 months old, and she will be 10 months in 4 days. This is not how I thought breastfeeding was going to go for us. I hate pumping. Like, I really, Really, REALLY hate pumping. There are times it can actually make my skin crawl. I want nothing more than to be done but I had so desperately wanted to make it to her 1st birthday that I’m having a hard time with what feels like giving up.

I had developed a system, and it was working great. My body was responding well and I was fully meeting demand and was still getting some milk in the freezer most weeks too. My morning pump would consist of about 12-14 oz and then each pump for the rest of the day would yield about 3.5-5 oz depending on the time of day and length of time between pumps.

Now?

My morning pump is 6-8 oz. and I’m getting 2-3 oz per session the rest of the day (combined totals) So my supply is at about half of what it once was. Thankfully I still have a bit of a stash in the freezer but it’s only (was) about 350 oz, and that will go fast.

It’s only been a few days with me feeling a bit better and I’m still not 100%, but this might be the end. I’m trying to decide of I’m hoping this is the end. I kinda feel like this timing would be an easy excuse for me to end it because I know I’m ready to be done, but admitting defeat is really hard for me. Using what feels like an excuse is hard for me. It feels really selfish and I’m really fighting myself about it. I hate pumping. I loved breastfeeding Parker and Charlotte for those few short months that it was going well for us, but this isn’t what I signed up for. I wanted to breastfeed. Exclusively pumping was the last thing I though I was going to have to do this time around since I was staying home and would be able to breastfeed on demand. Like always though, shit didn’t happen like I planned.

Since Charlotte isn’t even nursing, I don’t have the guilt of taking away something she loves and provides her comfort. Which, in turn seems to have taken away the fight and determination that I had before to make this work. And frankly, you have to be determined to breastfeed if you are going to succeed at it, but I have lost that. I’m counting the days until “I can be done”. I’m sick of living like that, but I’m fighting the guilt of quitting. Also? I’m honestly just really cheap. Formula is expensive. I HATE paying for something that I can make for free! It’s so hard for me that I’m fully anticipating a small tantrum in Target if formula is purchased.

I. don’t. know. what. to. do.

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I’m Still here!

Yes. I’m still alive and we are all doing well. I kind of abandoned blogging for a few months if anyone noticed. I seemed to have either had nothing to say or too much to say and really didn’t know where to start. I’m still in that place honestly and have been going back and forth on deleting the blog, or keep writing. I’m still not sure. I love it, but I get kinda wrapped up in it and then feel guilty for not writing. So, I’m going with I’m still not sure, which I seem to be ok with and I’m not going to force anything.

As for me and the family these past few months? All is well. The kids are doing great. Charlotte is 9 months old, (holy shit!) and is cruising around the furniture and likes to just stand around and clap which is for some reason the cutest thing on the planet to me. She hasn’t taken any steps yet but we keep thinking any day. She is getting some hair finally, but it is only in the back so she is rocking a pretty awesome baby mullet if I do say so myself.

Parker is 3. Which apparently means he has entered the “asshole” stage of his childhood. Don’t get me wrong, I love him to the end of the world. He is smart, funny, creative, his imagination just blows my mind. He can be sweet, caring, sensitive, and loving but for the love of God, he spends most of his day being an asshole. I’m told that is just what 3 year olds do. ::sigh::

On an awesome note! He is doing great with potty training. At least pooping. That is a constant, every time in the toilet thing. Peeing is a “when its convenient for him” type of thing. Some days are better than others, but honestly pee doesn’t really bother me. I do a lot of laundry anyway, and I know he’ll stop when he cares enough too.

As for me, I’ve been scrapping up a storm, trying to get caught up, something I don’t think will ever happen. But I’ve been doing a lot of back scrapping, working on our 2010-11 book, which is almost done, Charlotte’s baby book, and bit on the 2012 book. I’ve been taking the last of Jessica Sprague’s Digital Scrapbooking class, Digi in Deeper and I absolutely LOVE it. She is so amazing there are no words to properly describe how awesome she is with what she does. (Note: Jessica Sprague has no idea who I am or that I’m in love with her work)

I have also been reading a ton. I figured out my local library has ebooks and oh goodness, did that open up a whole new world for me. I read 15 books in 4 months (and 5 so far this month) which I don’t think I’ve ever done. So really between those two things all of my (very limited) free time has been taken up. That was the time that would have normally been using for blogging. So…ya.

Also? I haven’t given up on my weight loss either. I kinda put it on the back burner through the holidays because really, who wanted to read about me bitching over how many damn cookies I ate after I made them. That’s what I thought. I have managed to maintain for the most part though, which really was my goal for during the holidays. I’ve started back doing C25K, and really realizing that I love running, which is still such a shocking thing for me.

I’m not really focusing on losing too much weight in the next few months as I’m now exclusively pumping, and have been for several months. Charlotte went through a nursing strike that we never recovered from, so pumping it is. I want to make it to 1 year and as we are in the home stretch here, I’m just trying to maintain my supply which is unfortunately harder to do when one is pumping exclusively, and cutting calories has the tendency to cut supply with me. I’m making enough to meet demand with the occasional bottle to freeze, but it is a fine line.

That’s pretty much the highlights of the past few months minus the holiday drama and I’ve got lots of photos and layouts to post in the coming weeks.  🙂

Hope all is well with everyone in interwebs land!

Potty training can go take a flying leap.

I hate potty training. I have mentioned it before on here and twitter. And everyday to myself. I feel like we have been doing this for-ev-er!

We got a potty chair shortly after Parker turned one so he could get used to it and it would be there if he wanted to try. I also had a delusional goal of having him potty trained by his 2nd birthday. HA! Oh, I had no idea what I was in for and we are just a couple of weeks away from his 3rd, yes 3rd and golden birthday.

The strange thing is that he does great and I would call him “potty trained” as long as he is naked, but the second I put underwear, pants, pull up, or diaper on, he seems to lose all interest. I don’t know if he just forgets or doesn’t care. I’m so over having a naked child running around and that awkward moment when you answer the door and your kid is standing there without his pants is SO not my cup of tea. Also, please don’t think I haven’t considered that he is peeing a little on my carpet that I’m just not finding it, before he realizes he needs to go. Because I have considered it, and it kinda gives me nightmares. I’ve decided that we are not replacing the carpets until both kids are potty trained and until then I’m just really thankful we invested in our carpet cleaner.

We have done the “3 day method” with no real success. We have potty treats. He has special underwear. We have the potty chair that plays music. He has made a lot of progress, and I’m so proud of him for that because we have reached the point where he will go in any toilet, any where. He has left the house in underwear and done great and stayed dry. He has even pooped in the toilet. But he really has NO INTEREST. No commitment. No desire to be potty trained. To be a big boy. He is happy as a pig in mud to use his diaper/pull up and even underwear.

He has a potty training prize. A bike. We always go and look at them when we go to the store. He gets to pick out the one he likes and ride it a bit up and down the aisle. The whole time we are talking about what he needs to do before he can bring it home. He knows what he needs to do and he desperately wants it, but no. It still isn’t giving him the motivation. I’m tossing around the idea of buying one and putting it up in the garage so he can see it all the time and then he gets it at the end of the day if he has used the potty? Maybe?

Our pediatrician recommended backing off if after pushing it really hard for about a week or so with no real success. So that is where we are now. Taking a break for a couple of days. I frankly needed a break from washing out underwear and cleaning up pee off the floor. I’m still asking him throughout the day if he needs to go and I always get the screaming “NO!” in response.

I think he is ready, and I know he can do it because he has shown me that, but he is just lazy. Blah!

Anyone have any tips?