…being a second time mom…

With 18 days left, this pregnancy is coming to a close. There is a very good chance that this is our last baby for a variety of reasons, but that is a whole different topic.

I’m fighting with myself on feeling very done, and completely over being pregnant. I want my body back. I want my energy back. I want to be able to workout, climb stairs, clean my house, breath, you know, the little things that have become extremely difficult tasks. I’m ready to meet my baby girl. To be able to check on her with a quick peek into the crib instead of spending hours counting her movements and hoping that everything is going to be ok. I want to hold her in my arms. I’m excited to introduce Parker to his baby sister and to be able to watch their relationship develop and grow.

Then on the other hand, I feel as though I’m not ready. Not ready to never feel a baby growing inside of me again, to never feel the kicks and turns or her annoying yet amusing hiccups. Not ready to say good-bye to our family dynamic that has become a pretty well oiled machine. Not ready to turn Parker’s world upside down, as he will no longer be the center of our world. Not ready to be a SAHM to an extremely busy 2 1/2 year-old and be breastfeeding and caring for a newborn. I’m not ready to deal with the aftermath of labor a delivery. I’m grateful that she has turned and a vaginal delivery is possible, but I know it is going to hurt like hell.

They say every pregnancy is different. Which is true, but it isn’t just physically different. It is emotionally different.

When I was pregnant with Parker, it was easy. The only thing I had to worry about was taking care of myself and the baby growing inside of me. I will be the first to admit that I didn’t appreciate being a first time mom. I was too anxious for my baby to get here and for our little family to start, that I didn’t take the time to enjoy it. To enjoy the naps, eating what and when I wanted, and doing only what I wanted to do.

This time, with our little girl, I feel as though time has gone too fast. I haven’t had the time to slowdown and appreciate being pregnant. There were several months where I would have to keep reminding myself that I was pregnant, because my focus is always on Parker. What needs to be done so my son has a clean house to play in, clean clothes to wear, good food to eat, making sure he is learning and growing as he should.

I’m nervous of how he is going to react. We talk a lot about the baby. We have several books that we have in our current story rotation and thankfully he seems to be coming around. Though, I know he doesn’t really understand. Up until about 2 months ago, every time we would mention his baby sister, he would scream “No! No! NOOO!” and run away. Now, he is at the point where he wants to hug, kiss, and pat my belly. Today he covered up “baby sister” with his blanket and hugged her. So I’m crossing my fingers that he will surprise me and make the transition seamlessly.

How am I going to be able to divide my time and still be able to get it all done? How am I going to be up all night with a newborn and up all day with a toddler?

I know all of these feeling are normal and pretty much every second time mom goes through them. I know that Parker is going to be awesome and be a better big brother than I could have ever hoped for. I know that no matter what, we will figure out our life balance once again. I know that in 3 months we will forget what life was ever like without our sweet little girl. I know all these things, but as a mom, I can’t help but to worry about all of them.

Comes with the job I guess.

What I “thought” being a SAHM would mean

I had this dream of what being that a SAHM would mean for me and my families lives before I quit my job this past October. I guess when I dream, I like to dream REALLY BIG. Oh, and yes, I’m a total Type-A if you didn’t know already.

  • My house would be blissfully clean and well-organized. All of the clutter would be donated, set aside to sell or tossed so that all of my clutter would be gone.
  • Beds would always be made.
  • No dust would dare land for it would be quickly wiped away and furniture polished.
  • Every bed would be made.
  • Pictures would finally get hung on the walls a year and a half after buying our home.
  • I would finally get to paint the entire freaking house rooms that needed to be painted including their trim, my kitchen cabinets and doors.
  • All meals would be planned a week in advance and lovingly prepared from scratch. While making extras to freeze so I had things taken care of for after the baby got here.
  • Parker and I would have daily craft projects and themed learning weeks.
  • We would get to spend most days at the park, taking walks, or in our backyard.
  • I would workout and shower every morning before Parker would wake up.
  • I would have plenty of time to blog and scrapbook.
  • Because all of the “work” would be done throughout the week, my husbands days off would be filled with family fun activities and date nights.

That was all just to start.

And yes, I’m positive I was delusional.